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1Forgiving others is tough. If we’ve suffered insults, bullying or other hurtful things, forgiving our attackers is the last thing we feel like doing. And how are we meant to forgive someone if they aren’t sorry, don’t think they have done anything wrong or just don’t care? How can we forgive someone who does something really bad, something that permanently changes our lives for the worse, even if they are sorry?

To forgive someone can feel like we’re letting them off the hook; that whatever it is they did doesn’t matter. There are no consequences for what they’ve done, they haven’t paid for it so they get away with it.

But it does matter. It matters to you and it matters to God. So why does God ask us to forgive rather than seek revenge or payment?

For one thing, holding grudges only hurts us, not the person we are angry with. Grudges end up making us bitter and angry people. But getting revenge isn’t the answer either. It might make us feel good to put the other person down or get even somehow. But in the end it only makes things worse as the relationship gets nastier and nastier.

Forgiving people for really bad things is something that is actually too hard for us to do on our own. But it’s not too much for God. So the only way can really forgive is by plugging into God’s strength through trusting Jesus. Then we don’t have to try and do it by ourselves and in our own strength. When we become Christians and ask for Jesus’ help, he gives us the power (through his Holy Spirit) we need to help us forgive others.

And God expects us to forgive others because he has forgiven us. He asks us to be like him.

Jesus tells a story in the Bible of a king who forgave his servant a very big debt. The servant was unable to pay and pleaded with the king who then cancelled the debt completely. The servant then went to another man who owed him a small amount and demanded he pay up straightaway. When the man couldn’t, the servant had him thrown in jail. When the king heard this he called the servant a “wicked man” and had him put in jail until he could pay all he owed. (see Matthew, chapter 18 verses 21-35 in the Bible).

In this story the king is a picture of God and the servant is us. As we read it we recognise how unkind the servant is, enjoying the king’s kindness and generosity, but not willing to show that kindness himself. So if God asks us to be like him, how do we do it when we know we’re more like the servant? We don’t have God’s patience, kindness or self control. We do get mad with people, we lose our patience, say things before thinking and do things we really shouldn’t.

So how do we learn to think and behave differently, how do we learn to forgive?

The short answer is with God’s help and with practice. As we learn more about God, what he is like and what he has done for us, we begin to see how wonderful and amazing he is and so we want to please him more than we want to please ourselves. So when we are faced with difficult circumstances, we begin to see things in a different way. We begin to think and act a little more like God does. It takes time to change like this. But as we get to know God better, he promises to make us more like him.

— Gill, an Our Daily Bread reader

2Jesus was very clear that we should forgive others in the same way God has forgiven us. But what about the people who don’t deserve our forgiveness after what they’ve done? And even if we do decide to forgive someone, why is it so hard?

Let’s get something cleared up straight away: forgiving doesn’t mean you are pretending nothing happened; it doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone ‘off the hook’; and forgiving others doesn’t mean things go back to just as they were before. It means we are dealing with the pain someone has caused us by giving it to God, rather than holding a grudge and struggling with it on our own. It means we let go of our judgement, and say whatever that person did to us is now something between them and God. So how do we do that?

Firstly, remember what Jesus did for us when he died on the cross in our place. At the centre of our forgiveness of others is the forgiveness we have from God. Remember the price God paid for us in Jesus to forgive us and free us from our sin. Remember the mercy God has given to us by forgiving us for every single thing we’ve ever done wrong, no matter how big or bad.

Secondly, as hard as it can be, it’s important to face the wrong done to us or someone we love. This may be painful and we may be unsure of what our own feelings will be when we face up to the pain. But that’s why it is so important to not ignore it. If we push our hurt deep down, it will grow into bitterness and hardness which can start harming our closeness to Jesus and those we love. We need to remember that God knows our thoughts and feelings even better than we do—so he knows how best to handle them. Be honest with God about the whole situation. Ask God to help you. He tells us to forgive others, but he won’t leave us to do it alone. He has given us His Holy Spirit as our helper for everything we face. These are just the sort of prayers God loves to answer—when we know we can’t do something without him.

Thirdly, make the decision to trust God by doing things His way, even when it feels unfair or too hard. Because forgiving brings more freedom and relief to us than to the person we’re forgiving! Choose to forgive and to continue to forgive. We need to remember that forgiveness is not just a one-off decision. There will be times when all you’ll want is to get your own back—even way down the line after you’ve chosen to forgive. The memory will crop up and suddenly you’ll be as angry as you’ve ever felt. So, as well as being honest with God about the issue, talk to your Scripture Reader or a Christian friend who can also pray with you and help you when you’re finding forgiveness hard. Talk to someone who won’t judge you but will encourage you and stand with you. Is there someone you know who can help keep you headed in the right direction on this path of forgiveness?

Fourthly, pray for the person who wronged you. It is much harder to feel angry and hateful towards someone you are praying for. And as you talk to God about this person, he will help you change the way you think about them. Even if they ‘deserve’ your hate, he’ll help you want them to find God’s love and mercy in Jesus for themselves. That’s what God’s love and forgiveness does in our lives—he reminds us that we too deserved to be hated by God for how we have lived. But, instead, he sent his son to die for us and offer us peace and new life.

As we forgive, and keep forgiving, we’ll find it will bring more peace and happiness in our own lives as we allow God to change us and carry our pain.

— Anna Marie, an Our Daily Bread reader

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